“The body can become overwhelmed when it senses danger, and for a lot of us, a difficult conversation, hard feedback, or an argument is enough to send our body into overdrive. We can feel overwhelmed, attacked, and confused.
According to the Gottman Institute, flooding is ‘a sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.’ Gottman also shares that flooding is affected by how much stress you have going on in your life. The more pressure we’re under, the more likely we are to be easily flooded.
One of the worst patterns that I brought to my marriage from my family was ‘Get back in here and fight with me!’ Growing up, we didn’t take breaks during fights. No one ever said, ‘This is no longer productive and we should take a time-out before someone gets their feelings hurt.’ Our strategy was to get louder and meaner until you win or someone else is crying. When I first married Steve, in the middle of a heated argument he would say, ‘Let’s stop and take a break.’ I was like, ‘What are you talking about?’
At some point, I realized that stopping scared me. Fighting together seemed less painful than hurting alone. Looking back, I just didn’t know how to do it. I had never been taught or seen it modeled. Gottman’s work helped me understand the mechanics behind ‘Okay, can we come back to this discussion in twenty minutes? or ‘Okay, how much time do you need?’ Knowing that we’re coming back to finish the discussion, and when, reassures me in some way.
This research also helped me realize that it wasn’t just Steve who was getting overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed too. The difference is our strategies. He shuts down; I lash out. Disastrous.
Now when I feel flooded, I’m as likely to say ‘Time-out’ as he is. This is a good thing because, according to Gottman, chronic flooding sets us up to dread communicating. Gottman discusses this effect in the context of marriages and partnerships, but I’ve seen the same thing in organizations. 
I’ve interviewed many research participants who experience chronic flooding with their bosses, so much so that every time they’re called into the office, they’re already on the path to overwhelm.
There’s only so much our bodies and nervous systems can stand before they flip the survival switch and stop communicating and start protecting or attacking.
Looking back, I’ve never once regretted calling a time-out at home or work. Not once. I’ve never experienced a little time and space being a bad thing, but I have plenty of regrets the other way around.”
Brene Brown
