“One of our ongoing problems in life is to constantly choose the degree to which we are going to allow ourselves to be emotionally affected by issues and other people. This is the dilemma of vulnerability. The word ‘vulnerability’ means the ability to be wounded.
How vulnerable are we choosing to be as human beings? To answer that, it is essential that we make the distinction between wounding as in being hurt and wounding as in being damaged. To help make that distinction in my lectures, I would ask a brave person to endure being sharply pinched. Afterwards, I asked them, ‘Did that hurt you?’ The volunteer would acknowledge that it did. Then I would ask, ‘Did it damage you?’ The volunteer would usually say that while she or he experienced pain, no permanent damage had been sustained as a result.
Under almost all circumstances, it would be plain stupid to walk into a situation where you are likely to be permanently damaged. But it might be very smart to open yourself up — within limits — to situations in which you would be likely to experience some emotional pain, such as taking a risk to enter a relationship that has the potential to lead to commitment.
Again, it is necessary to distinguish between the path of smart selfishness and the path of stupid selfishness. Stupid selfishness is trying to avoid all pain, all emotional, existential suffering. Smart selfishness is distinguishing between which pain or suffering, particularly emotional suffering, is constructive or unconstructive.
My preferred words for ‘constructive’ and ‘unconstructive’ are, respectively, ‘existential’ and ‘neurotic.’ Existential suffering is an inherent part of existence and cannot be legitimately avoided — for example, the suffering involved in growing up and learning to be independent; the suffering involved in learning how to become interdependent; the suffering involved in learning how to become interdependent and even dependent again; the suffering that is associated with loss and giving up: the suffering of old age and dying. From all these kinds of suffering, we have a great deal to learn.
Neurotic suffering, on the other hand, is that emotional suffering which is not an inherent part of existence. It is unconstructive and unnecessary, and rather than enhancing our existence, it impedes it. What we need to do with neurotic suffering is get rid of it just as quickly as possible because it is like carrying ninety-eight golf clubs around the course when all you need is ten or twelve to play a perfectly good game. It is just so much excess baggage.
Some suffering is inherent in life and productive of experiencing. It is in meeting and solving problems that life finds its meaning. That is constructive pain. Problems call forth our courage and wisdom; indeed, they create our courage and our wisdom. Problems are the cutting edge that distinguishes between success and failure. It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually.”
The Road Less Traveled And Beyond – Spiritual Growth In An Age Of Anxiety, M. Scott Peck, M.D., pgs.141 – 144, 190 – 191.